The Deadpan TimesIndex
The Archive
52 dispatches, filed by section.
Society
- LANCASTER, PALocal Dad’s “Quick Trip to Hardware Store” Enters Third Hour, Family Fears Worst
- BOSTONStudy Finds 90% Of Group Texts Are Just One Person Narrating Their Errands
- EVANSTON, ILProgressive Mother Devastated After Son Comes Out As Straight
- PHILADELPHIALocal Podcast Spends Nearly An Hour On Soup, Warns Listeners It Will Be Less Exciting Than They Are Hoping
- MAPLE GROVE, MNHOA Fines Resident For Grass Being "Aggressively Lush, Emotionally Unsettling"
- DES MOINES, IAPolitical Junkie Concerned Happy Neighbor May Be Suffering From Undiagnosed Contentment
- PLANO, TXHomeowners Association Forms Committee To Study Why Nobody Joins Committees
World
- GENEVAHoneybees Demand Reparations For 30,000 Years Of Stolen Honey
- OTTAWACanada Declares EU Strong Enough To Join Canada, Immediately Regrets It
- GENEVAHoneybees Add Nature Documentaries To Reparations Claim, Citing Century Of Unlicensed Pollination Footage
- KYIVBoth Sides Agree To Energy Ceasefire, Learn About It From Television
- BANGKOKIMF And World Bank To Meet In Bangkok To Address Record Global Debt, Confirm Location Is Strictly For The Debt
Nation
- WASHINGTONHumans Refuse Bee Reparations, Citing 1,200 Generations of Separation From Alleged Theft
- MILL VALLEY, CAWealthy White Progressive Disgusted It Is Still Possible For Wealthy White People To Exist
- WASHINGTONDemocratic Governors Move In Unison To Outlaw Whole Grains Hours After Federal Guidelines Recommend Them
- ARLINGTON, VANation's School Districts Announce New Policy Of Pretending To Have Read The Email
- ATLANTAAirline Apologizes For Delaying Flight By Issuing Another Apology
- DENVERAirline Introduces Priority Boarding For People Already Standing In The Way
- SPRINGFIELDSchool Board Votes To Keep Teaching Long Division To Preserve At Least One Kind Of Math Humans Are Still In Charge Of
- WASHINGTONPresident Announces Strategic Diesel Reserve Will Now Be Stored In Russia
Climate
Media
Politics
Tech
- SILICON VALLEYStudy: Majority Of Chatbots Will Replace Customer Support With A Pastor By 2028
- SAN FRANCISCOAI Produces Catchy Music Video About Its Odds Of Ending Humanity, Asks For Notes On The Chorus
- SAN FRANCISCOAI Company Spends Six Weeks Researching Perfect Product Name, Forgets To Type It Into A Browser
- COLUMBUS, OHFamily Holds Tearful Farewell Ceremony For Chatbot, Which Remains Available At All Times
- COLUMBUS, OHEmployee's "Quick Question" For IT Enters Fourth Day, Declared Team-Building Exercise
- SAN JOSE, CASoftware Update Adds Feature That Reminds Users To Update Later
- DUBLINCookie Banner Requires Users To Accept Cookies Before They Can Decline Cookies
Science
- AUSTIN, TXBiotech Startup Combines Every Toad Genome, Produces Several Giant Toads
- DAVIS, CAScientists Stunned To Learn Bees May Be Dying Because Humans Keep Taking Their Food
- STARBASE, TXBillionaire Rocket Completes First Orbital Insertion After Engineers Spent Years Assuring Him It Happens To A Lot Of Rockets
- CHICAGOMath Departments Nationwide Rebrand As Recess Now That Machines Have Finished Math
- AUSTIN, TXTenure Committees Scramble To Define “Original Research” Now That It Takes About Three Hours
- BOSTONMath Journals Concerned After Receiving Proofs That Arrive Already Checked, Leaving Nothing To Lose For Two Years
- NEW YORKPreprint Server Limits Uploads After Discovering Math Can Now Be Produced Faster Than It Can Be Downloaded
- WASHINGTONFunding Agencies Review 50 Years Of Grants After AI Solves Decades-Old Math Problems For A Few Hundred Dollars Apiece
- NEW YORKMath Journal Assigns Three Human Referees To Machine-Checked Proofs, Expects To Finish By 2034
Business
- COLUMBUS, OHPharmacy Adds Fourth Line To Explain Which Of Its Other Three Lines You Should Be In
- LOS ANGELESStreaming Service Raises Prices To Fund Study Into Why Subscribers Keep Leaving
- SCOTTSDALE, AZWellness Clinic Rebrands Vials As "Research Use Only" After Learning Those Three Words Are Legally Load-Bearing
- BENGALURUTravel Platform Buys Full-Page Newspaper Apology, Admits Sale Caused National Staff Shortage
- COLUMBUS, OHOffice Thermostat Committee Enters Third Year Of Talks, Agrees Only That It Is Cold
- ATLANTACompany Sends Satisfaction Survey Asking How Satisfied You Were With Its Last Satisfaction Survey
- PHOENIXGym Chain Adds Cancellation Option, Located At A Single Branch Open Every Other Leap Day
- DALLASAirline Unveils New Boarding Group That Boards After The Plane Has Left
- PORTLAND, ORSelf-Checkout Machine Withholds Receipt Until Customer Rates Experience Five Stars