EVANSTON, IL — Local mother Meredith Albright-Cole, 44, was reportedly inconsolable Thursday after her 17-year-old son sat the family down and came out as straight.

"We did everything right," said Albright-Cole, clutching a box of tissues and a heavily highlighted parenting book. "We referred to him only as 'they' until he was twelve. We gave him every option. And he chose a cisgender girlfriend named Emily who plays lacrosse."

The mother said the signs had been there for years, but she had chosen not to see them. "He always wanted the blue cup," she said. "We told ourselves it was a phase."

Family members described the announcement as blindsiding. "We taught him gender is a social construct," said his father. "He looked at every option available to him and constructed the most boring one."

The couple has three children, and Albright-Cole noted with visible pain that not one of them is even a furry. "Three kids," she said. "Not one set of ears."

She described identity exploration as "the single biggest factor in our parenting, after compost," and said the family would respect their son's choice. The couple has already joined a support group for parents of straight children, which meets Tuesdays at the local brewery.

At press time, the son had further devastated his parents by announcing he plans to become an accountant.