Vol. I · Published as warranted
Satirical news for people who know better. Updates as warranted.
Society
BOSTON
BOSTON — A peer-reviewed study released Monday concluded that roughly 90% of group text message volume consists of a single participant live-blogging trips to Target, the post office, and “that one parking garage that always messes with my phone.”
Researchers found the remaining 10% was split evenly between “on my way,” unanswered questions, and someone reacting with a thumbs-up three hours later.
The study’s lead author recommended dissolving most group chats “for the good of the species.”
World
GENEVA
Representatives of the world’s honeybee population issued a formal demand for reparations Monday, claiming humanity owes a massive settlement to compensate for approximately 30,000 years of stolen honey.
Nation
WASHINGTON
Human officials formally rejected the honeybee demand for 30,000 years of back honey Monday, arguing that no living person stole a drop of it and that the claimants themselves are roughly 1,200 generations removed from the original alleged victims.
Climate
VIENNA
OPEC held a brief ceremony Monday thanking fossil fuels for a quiet Atlantic hurricane season, formally claiming credit for thousands of lives that were not ended by wind and asking climate activists to please stop trying to undo the cartel’s humanitarian work.