DES MOINES, IA—Local political enthusiast Gary Pruett, 54, said Monday he is "deeply worried" about his next-door neighbor, Dale Hoskins, who appears to be suffering from a case of undiagnosed contentment.

"It started small. He'd wave at me while getting the mail," said Pruett, who follows political coverage an average of eleven hours a day. "Then I asked him what he thought about the latest poll, and he said he was going to go fishing. That's when I knew something was wrong."

According to Pruett, the warning signs had been there for months. Hoskins sleeps through the night and remembers his children's birthdays. Pruett also reported that his neighbor has been seen laughing outdoors with no clear reason.

On Saturday, Pruett went over to Hoskins' porch carrying a penlight and checked his pupils for signs of awareness. "Nothing," he said. "Totally calm. He asked if I wanted a burger. I've seen this before, and it never ends well."

Pruett has prescribed a starting regimen of six hours of cable news a day, taken in the evening with the volume up, followed by forty-five minutes of reading comment sections before bed. "We'll ease him in," he said. "First the panel shows, then the push alerts. By November, he should be appropriately miserable."

Hoskins, for his part, said he feels fine. Pruett said that is the most troubling sign of all.

"The ones who say they feel fine are the ones you have to watch," said Pruett, refreshing three apps at once. "Studies show that people who don't know what's happening are statistically more likely to enjoy their weekends."

At press time, Pruett had started a group text with neighbors to stage an intervention. Hoskins could not be reached for comment because he was asleep in a hammock.