AUSTIN, TX—University tenure committees convened emergency sessions Wednesday to redefine "original research" after an artificial intelligence lab released hundreds of new mathematical results produced at an average of about three hours of computing apiece.

"Our standards were built around a career," said Dr. Margaret Oyelaran, chair of a faculty promotions committee. "Six years, a book, maybe a breakthrough. Now a breakthrough is roughly the length of a faculty meeting, which, to be fair, also used to feel like a career."

The committee's first draft defined original research as "anything that took longer than lunch." It was withdrawn when a member pointed out that the committee's own lunch had run four hours.

A second proposal would require candidates to demonstrate "significant human struggle," documented through crumpled notes, a cold coffee, or a letter from a spouse.

Administrators said the changes would not affect current professors, whose research was original at the time and has been grandfathered in as "vintage."

The committee briefly considered granting tenure to the model, then rejected the idea after confirming it would not attend meetings and had no interest in parking.

"We want to be fair," said Oyelaran. "We just need a reason to keep doing this the long way that isn't 'we've always done it the long way.'"

At press time, the committee had tabled the issue for further review, with a decision expected in about six years.